The process

While I don't really write this blog for other people, I recognize that other people do read it. I've heard from a few them with questions about why I'm behind. I don't like the word "behind" because it implies that I'm going to "catch up." I'm not. I'm taking a leave of absence. And here is the honest and open reason why: 

I am having a hard time. I am grieving the loss of my sister. Not only that, but this feeling of grief reopens all the other feelings of grief I have. So I am also grieving the loss of my dad and my brother. On top of that, I'm grieving for my own family that I haven't been blessed to have yet. I'm feeling very alone. 

There are many things that I know. I know I'm not alone. I know family is forever. I know I will have a family of my own, even if it's in the next life. But, right now these things that I know don't help. Instead, I am just angry. I'm upset with Heavenly Father. I can't help but ask myself, "How could this Heavenly Father's plan for anyone?!" And I know the answer. And I know that being angry with Heavenly Father is the very least helpful thing I could right now. I know that. But as much as I know that I am still having a hard time. 

I know that this is part of the process. I know that anger is one of the steps of grief. It's really, really sad to me that I know the grief process so well. I know that it will get better. I know that eventually church and scriptures and conference talks will bring me peace and comfort. But they don't yet. I know that eventually I will be able to reflect at the end of each day and be able to see the blessings in my life that I am thankful for. But I can't yet. Right now when I reflect on my day I count all the things that were really hard, all the dumb things people said, and all the times I cried or wanted to cry. That's not a good thing for me. So I'm taking a leave of absence from my thankful record. I know that's probably not the best idea and I know there are still things to be thankful for. But that's what I'm doing. 

Zucchini noodles

Who knew zucchini noodles were even a thing?! I'm thankful for a delicious lunch with my "administrative professionals." It was delightful and I can't wait to go back and eat at that restaurant again! 

2 minutes of sun

I have a new electronic marquee at work. It's fantastic. Today I had to update the info being displayed on the sign. In order to update it, you have to go out to the sign with a laptop and connect through a wireless connection to update the play program. By the time I had everything ready to update, the weather turned and it started to snow. But the update had to happen today and that was my only chance. I'm thankful for the 2 minutes if sunshine I got while my laptop connected to the sign. The snow let up and the sun came out and I managed to keep the laptop from getting too wet! 

A snowy adventure

Eric and I went for a walk. We decided to skip the neighborhood and head up Adam's canyon. We hiked for maybe an hour and then decided to turn around so we wouldn't be stuck hiking down in the dark. About 2 minutes after we turned around, it started to snow! We were practically running down the mountain. There was lightning crazy close. I was covered in snow! It was quite the adventure. I'm thankful we made it back to the car safely and I'm thankful for the dry hoodie Eric let me borrow to wear home.

Real Salt Lake Suite Tickets

Today I'm thankful that our department at work for to use the Sandy City Real Salt Lake suite tickets. I'm not usually a huge soccer fan, but I do enjoy going to the MLS games here. I even got to meet Leo the Lion! 

Dinner

My awesome brother and sister-in-law invited me over for dinner. I'm thankful for the dinner, it was very delicious. I'm thankful for some time with my family. I haven't gotten enough of that lately. And I'm thankful that Aaron and Jamie (well, Jamie really) thought to invite me! 

A registered car

TodayI'm thankful my car is officially legal for one more year! I'm not thankful for the emissions test I had to pay for and I'm not thankful for the taxes I had to pay. But I'm thankful it's done and taken care of until next year!