I am having a hard time. I am grieving the loss of my sister. Not only that, but this feeling of grief reopens all the other feelings of grief I have. So I am also grieving the loss of my dad and my brother. On top of that, I'm grieving for my own family that I haven't been blessed to have yet. I'm feeling very alone.
There are many things that I know. I know I'm not alone. I know family is forever. I know I will have a family of my own, even if it's in the next life. But, right now these things that I know don't help. Instead, I am just angry. I'm upset with Heavenly Father. I can't help but ask myself, "How could this Heavenly Father's plan for anyone?!" And I know the answer. And I know that being angry with Heavenly Father is the very least helpful thing I could right now. I know that. But as much as I know that I am still having a hard time.
I know that this is part of the process. I know that anger is one of the steps of grief. It's really, really sad to me that I know the grief process so well. I know that it will get better. I know that eventually church and scriptures and conference talks will bring me peace and comfort. But they don't yet. I know that eventually I will be able to reflect at the end of each day and be able to see the blessings in my life that I am thankful for. But I can't yet. Right now when I reflect on my day I count all the things that were really hard, all the dumb things people said, and all the times I cried or wanted to cry. That's not a good thing for me. So I'm taking a leave of absence from my thankful record. I know that's probably not the best idea and I know there are still things to be thankful for. But that's what I'm doing.
