No make up

I'm thankful I could just stay home today and not even bother to put on make-up. I leaving tomorrow morning to attend a conference out of town. I slept in and then spent a good chunk of the day doing laundry and packing. Later in the afternoon I got to hang out with baby J. I'm alway thankful for his snuggles, especially when he falls asleep on me! 

Davis county visits

I'm so thankful I live in Draper. It has been one of the best changes I've ever made in my life. The only problem is now Davis county is kind of far away! I had the opportunity to go up to Kaysville and visit a dear friend who is in town from Oregon. I'm thankful I made the cut and got to visit! She was only in town for a couple days and didn't have much time to visit all her friends. I'm also thankful I could make the most of the drive up there and visit my own family too! It was definitely a late drive home, but it was worth it! 

Book flights

I'm going to Austalia and Fiji and (hopefully) New Zealand!! It's an incredible opportunity and I am so stoked! Even though I have to wait 6 months, today I'm thankful the flights are booked. It just makes it feel more real. 

Whole Foods

I have a serious love/hate relationship with Whole Foods. I love it because I can find good food I can actually eat there (gluten free, dairy free, egg free, iodized salt free). I hate it because I stop on my way home from work for 2 things and end up with $50 worth of food! And I also end up baking vegan coconut blueberry muffins at 9:00pm when I should be getting ready for bed (12-hour work day tomorrow, yuck!). Regardless, I'm thankful for Whole Foods and I'm thankful there's one a mile away from my house. 

Immediate blessings

Sometimes you have to be super consistent for a long time before you get to see the pay-off. And sometimes you don't. Today was such a great day! And honestly, I feel like it was just one big blessing. I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and all it took was a little change in my mindset to be able to see all the blessings around me! I know that's cheesy and I know everyday isn't going to be as great as today, but that's okay. I'm thankful for the immediate blessings I saw today! 

Restarts

Whenever I call someone for help with my computer (my brother for my personal computer or IT for my work computer), they ALWAYS ask, "Have you tried restarting it?" I feel like that's what I had to do with this record. It wasn't working right. It wasn't accomplishing what I wanted it to. So I shut it down. But lately I've thought a lot about it. I found this thought a few days ago and it just seemed to scream, "It's time!!" It's time to be thankful. It's time to record that gratitude. It's time to restart. And so here I am, restarting, and desperately hoping it open the door!! 

The process

While I don't really write this blog for other people, I recognize that other people do read it. I've heard from a few them with questions about why I'm behind. I don't like the word "behind" because it implies that I'm going to "catch up." I'm not. I'm taking a leave of absence. And here is the honest and open reason why: 

I am having a hard time. I am grieving the loss of my sister. Not only that, but this feeling of grief reopens all the other feelings of grief I have. So I am also grieving the loss of my dad and my brother. On top of that, I'm grieving for my own family that I haven't been blessed to have yet. I'm feeling very alone. 

There are many things that I know. I know I'm not alone. I know family is forever. I know I will have a family of my own, even if it's in the next life. But, right now these things that I know don't help. Instead, I am just angry. I'm upset with Heavenly Father. I can't help but ask myself, "How could this Heavenly Father's plan for anyone?!" And I know the answer. And I know that being angry with Heavenly Father is the very least helpful thing I could right now. I know that. But as much as I know that I am still having a hard time. 

I know that this is part of the process. I know that anger is one of the steps of grief. It's really, really sad to me that I know the grief process so well. I know that it will get better. I know that eventually church and scriptures and conference talks will bring me peace and comfort. But they don't yet. I know that eventually I will be able to reflect at the end of each day and be able to see the blessings in my life that I am thankful for. But I can't yet. Right now when I reflect on my day I count all the things that were really hard, all the dumb things people said, and all the times I cried or wanted to cry. That's not a good thing for me. So I'm taking a leave of absence from my thankful record. I know that's probably not the best idea and I know there are still things to be thankful for. But that's what I'm doing.